Last week I went on a rant about dim bulbs that run out in a panic at the last minute buying every food and snow removal item in a tri-state area.  This week I decided instead of doing my usual smug, “why are you stupid?”, semi-funny grumbling about these people I decided to put these people’s self-imposed plight to good use.  In the true American way, I’m turning Snowmageddon into Monty’sageddonpaidyo!

Monday night I went to Target, Giant, Lowes, Safeway and Shopper’s Food Ghetto and purchased $14,769.43 worth of snow shovels, sleds, salt, bread, milk, toilet paper, and diapers.  Today, I took my packed SUV to the local strip mall where throngs of panic stricken people were leaving stores empty handed. 

 ”Why, oh why god, have you forsaken our consumerism?  Will you not send us an angel of snow survival to help us?”, they pleaded into the now snowing sky.

That was my cue.  I flung open my tailgate and shouted, “All the crap you coulda/shoulda bought three days ago and could go a few days without now on sale for 250% the original cost!”

“A miracle! A blessing!” , they cried.

No.  Just me, baby.  Just me.

In 12 minutes I made $45, 000 , was given 3 children, and become the new owner of a nearby silver mine.  I was really only in it for the cash, but having a silver mine and three kids to work it for me was easily worth the 5 gallons of milk and a  handful of salt.

Before you say, “Monty, you’re horrible.” wait… it gets better.

After selling out of all my wares I decided to go around to the all the stores that were packed to the gills with people buying all their last minute crap and rushing around in a panic stricken state.  I decided to tie up cashier lines by purchasing large amounts of totally non-essential items.  At Target, I bought a bicycle, a 24 pack of tube socks, an assortment of car air fresheners, 3 mops, a bathrobe, and all the gum I could carry.  The people behind me looked irked that I was delaying their journey.  Sure, all that stuff was expensive, but it was funny. 

And I returned it all before I left.

I went next door to the Giant, where there was open hand-to-hand combat going on over the last roll of toilet paper, and did the same thing.  I bought 37 bottles of BBQ sauce, 2 buckets, a bag of charcoal, a birthday cake for someone named “Jim” and, again, all the gum I could carry.  This time the cashier asked me if I was having a big birthday BBQ this weekend and wouldn’t the snow ruin it.  I responded, “What snow?”  The cashier summoned someone to help me take the bags to my car… by way of the return counter.

I hope Jim gets his cake though.  I tasted it and it was delicious.  I know, I know… not cool, but I smeared the icing around so you can’t even tell I took a bite.  Plus, the chewing gum wad I used to plug the hole I made is kinda like a prize! 

Today can’t be all play and no work, so I need to go get started on snow removal.  I’ve water-proofed a few dozen large calibur firework shells left over from the 4th of July that I’m going to let get buried in the snow.  While the chumps are breaking their backs shoveling or breaking their wallets buying snowblowers, I’ll be sitting on my porch with a martini and a zippo detonating snow hither and yon in the most exciting and colorful snow removal ever. 

Be careful out there this weekend people.  In the words of the FAC in “Apocalypse Now!”:

“Tell your people to get back and keep their heads down.  This is gonna be a big one.”