The movie “Red Dawn” taught me the following things about guerrilla fighting, communists and teen angst:
- What have happened if the Russians had invaded Shermer, Ill and had to fight the kids from “The Breakfast Club” instead? I could see Bender and Sporto doing OK… but despite the similarity of syllables, Anthony Michael Hall is no C. Thomas Howell. Plus Ally Sheedy would have just ended up stealing a jeep and running it into a telephone pole.
- High school history teacher vs. Russian paratrooper. The guy in the sweater vest loses every time.
- Having to drink the blood of something you kill when you go hunting for the first time is not only gross, but just seems like a mean joke rednecks play on rookie hunters. They could have called the movie “Hepatitis Dawn”.
- Powers Boothe used to not be fat and gross.
- RPGs are the coolest bottle rockets ever. No wonder everyone in the Middle East has them.
- It’s convenient that the Russians speak Spanish and the Cubans speak Russian. English might have helped too.
- I think camping in the Colorado Rockies in more dangerous than fighting Russians.
- If a girl’s picnic basket explodes and blows up your tank… probably best not to chase after her with a pocket knife. You’re already in trouble for losing your tank.
- Russian helicopters are tough. I wonder why they waited until so late in the movie to use them.
- Good thing those kids went to a high school with a mean mascot. It wouldn’t have had the same effect for a guy to blow up a truck and then triumphantly yell, “LITTLE CYCLONES!”
- This was the last time anyone would care about C. Thomas Howell.
- Did I mention that RPGs are cool?
- Patrick Swayze was really good at playing that guy who graduated from high school and then spent the next decade hanging around the high school attempting to recapture lost glory. Lucky for him the Russian came along and gave him a hobby.
- According to Jed, crying is bad. It’s supposed to turn into something else. I was hoping it would turn into popcorn. Sadly it just turned into more crying.
- If you’re a Russian pilot, it’s best to have your plane airborne before the enemy throws a hand grenade in your engine.
- Drive in movie theaters make great concentration camps. You can round up your enemies and make them eat Milk Duds and watch horrible Michael Bay movies.
- Do not attack a tank with a pistol. Everyone who’s played Call of Duty knows this.
- The Russians would have had an easier time of it had they attacked the blue states instead of the red states. Apparently every gas station in Colorado had its own resale arsenal. If they’d have invaded California, the Wolverines would have been defending themselves with half skim lattes and lacrosse sticks.
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