You can see me, but you’ll never touch me.
You can chase me, but will never reach me.
I can bring great glory to your day,
But just as quickly I can take it away.

What am I?

I can be seen on land, or seen at sea
In either case, you’ll see little of me.
I come not in pairs, but sets of two,
And I could take an explosive toll from you.

What am I?

Though a relic of ages past, I used to cause harm.
Used by the thousands, I was an extension of one arm.
Sometimes clumsy and brutish, sometimes with finesse.
When used one on one, I could prove who is best.

What am I?

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The first wrinkle I ran into was the lack of parking at said airport.  I had thought it might be a problem but before I left I checked the airport’s website which showed hundreds of open spots in their economy lot ($12 a day isn’t terribly economical).  But it was closed when I got there.  This being Washington DC, there’s no where else to park with0ut a permit or a room reservation at a hotel, so I was forced to park in the daily lot ($20 a day).  I was in a ripe mood by then.

 I did a self-service check-in and moved my seats around a bit.  Not that I really needed to, but I like shuffling up the seats.  When it came time to pay for my bags, the computer said, “They’re Free, man!”  American Airlines is pretty informal I guess.  I printed my boarding passes and noticed that in big bold letters it said “PRIORITY ACCESS”  I didn’t what that meant so I asked the guy at the desk.

“Hey what’s all this priority access stuff here?”

“That entitles you to have free bags, priority security, priority seating and access to our lounge in Chicago.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Huh.”

The tickets were a gift so I figured they were a super gift.

I made my way to the security area ready to make a little triangle over my head and do the shoes, belt, computer thing and saw a sign with a friendly arrow saying “Priority Access This Way”.  So that way I went. 

It led to a little room where there was a man in a tailed tuxedo who asked if he could take my coat.  Well dressed thief I thought.

He took my coat and carry on and set them beside a lazy boy recliner and asked if I’d like to relax and have tea and biscuits while they x-rayed by bag.  I said no.  I got ready to take my shoes off to send through too, but Jeeves said that wouldn’t be necessary.  Another person brought me a glass of champagne and I wondered whether I should go to Iowa at all or just live here in Priority Land.

Jeeves brought me my coat and bag and said something like, “Your wares have been approved and you may egress through the rear doors.  Have a jolly good flight and a very merry christmas to you, sir.”

I said thanks.

I walked out, never being x-rayed and headed to my gate.  About then I wanted a biscuit and realized I blew my moment to get one.

I saw one of those Pizza Hut huts and decided some morning pepperoni would do the trick.  Except they didn’t have any.  They had omelette pizzas.  That’s some serious bull crap right there, man.  You’re Pizza Hut.  If you’re open, sell normal pizza.  If I wanted a Root-N-Tooty Fresh-N-Fruity pizza I’d have gone to IHOP.  I punched the manager in the eye to illustrate my point.  He understood.

I sat around a bit waiting for boarding.  People watching in airports is fun.  The Las Vegas airport is the best for it.  You can always tell the arrivals from the departures.  The arrivals are all “Woo-Hoo!  Gimmee a 200 proof drink in a giant plastic boot!”  The departing say nothing… they stare at the floor and wonder at what point in their visit did they lose control of their life and pondered the taste of shoe leather.

While I was waiting, a mom-type came to the counter and said she needed her ticket adjusted to allow for her to carry on her child in her lap.  I glanced over at her child and it was a pudgy little thing in dire need of a face wash.  His name may have well been Booger McSnooty-Contagion.  I thought to myself, maybe you should just stuff him in the overhead bin and call him a carry on.  Just then I looked up and Booger MC had climbed into one of those “Is Your Carry On Too Big” boxes to prove he could indeed fit as a carry on.  Problem solved.  I laughed out loud at the kid trying to be luggage.

The first flight from DC to Chicago was fairly uneventful. 

I did at least get an attractive seat mate.  When I fly alone, I do this mental game as I see people walking up the aisle of the plane.  I look them over and begin chanting “Please don’t sit by me, Please don’t sit by me.”  Or if they get a positive review I begin wishing “Sit here!”  Never once has “Please don’t sit here” saved me.  For once though, “Sit here!” worked and I rode next to an attractive lawyer who let me have the arm rest.

That was about it until Chicago… and then things went bad.