Category: Unclassified Nonsense

This is a big pile of random crap. That’s right, I said crap.

In a ritual that seems to be becoming the norm, I once again found myself flying on December 25.  I was flying out of Washington National Airport that morning and was nervous about making my flight on time.  It didn’t help that I thought I had an afternoon flight only to discover it was actually a morning flight.  Fortunately, the worst interstate system in the country for congestion, road rage, and general hatitude was a barren wasteland that morning.  I started to wonder if there had been an apocalypse overnight due to the lack of traffic… either way I was content to get to Washington in about 30 minutes.

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Popularity: 27%

I can ride on the back of a serpant
Or occupy a field.
I can fit squarely on a circle
Five could increase your yield.

What am I?

Popularity: 44%

So where does this long winding tale end?  It ends at George Mason University.

My dorm had some of the most unique people one could imagine.  We all (mostly) got along well.  Sure there were times when people made brown in the urinals and times when people fired RedHots with sling shots down the hall, or my favorite the time I had to tackle a drunk gut with a hunting knife so he wouldn’t stab someone.  But other than that, things were great.

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Popularity: 41%

Upon finding out that 5 hours of my day would be sprinkled heavily with meetings with which I had nothing to do:

“Roll out the cannons, boys, and steal us some wine.”

Popularity: 20%

OK, firstly, this isn’t going to be a ballad.  I don’t like ballads.  They always remind me of the 2nd album that an 80′s hair band would release.   “Hey guys, you’re rockin’ album was great, but for your next one, can you throw in a slow song that might be appealing to the junior high dance crowd?”

Blech.

It’s a story.  But “The Story of Nick Swisher” doesn’t have as much of a ring to it so I did what I did.  Anyway, here it is.

Anyone who knows me of late knows that over the past few years I’ve become a NY Yankees baseball fan.  I know I’m not from New York and I know the Nationals and the Orioles are close by.  But the Nationals are horrible and the Orioles have issues… and just aren’t appealing generally.  The Yankees put on a good show. 

This is about as serious as Nick Swisher gets.

Anyway, anyone who has paid attention to my clothing knows that I often wear a NY jersey around sporting the number 33 on the back.  That is the number of Nick Swisher, the right fielder for the Yankees and my current favorite player in Major League Baseball.  He is not the best player in the game, but he is a nut.  He is funny, energetic, and always bouncing around.  He reminds me of a little kid who’s had too much sugar and can’t handle the overload.  He really cracks me up.  He just seems like one of those guys who always enjoys the fact that he gets paid millions of dollars to play a game and doesn’t take it or the fans for granted.  He’s really just funny to watch.

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Popularity: 100%

Happy Halloween Everyone!

I’ve started the holiday off by messing up my shoulder.  Initial diagnosis is torn ligament or at least a minor torn rotator cuff.  Now I have to figure out how to get on a plane with my luggage and an arm in a sling (not to mention my plastic trick or treating pumpkin).

I plan to go up and down the aisle of the plane trick or treating the other passengers on the flight.  If they give me candy, drinks, or money, awesome.  Otherwise I will play a trick on them… like shaking up their soda can, stealing their luggage, or reporting them to TSA as “suspicious and unchristian”.

Popularity: 22%

The movie “Beetle Juice” taught me the following things about ghosts and the afterlife:

• Make sure your method of death leaves your body in a condition which you’d be happy spending eternity.  Here are examples of ways not to die:
  • Being turned to stone by Medusa
  • Being turned to salt by old testament god
  • Being sat on by a fat person
  • Exploding
  • Eaten by cannibals
  • In France
  • Excessive groin damage (all groin damage is excessive)
  • Eaten by French cannibals who use too much salt
• When you die, you can pull you face off for fun.
• Trailer park ghosts are really fun at parties.
• When you die you have to live in your house and wear the same clothes everyday.  I pretty much do that now.
• That was pretty creepy when that old lady made cigarette smoke come out of her neck, wasn’t it?
• Models are haunted.  The more elaborate, the more haunted.
• If you die and don’t like Calypso music, you’re hosed.
• I can understand the hatred of sandworms.  Unless you’re that guy from Dune.  Geena Davis thought she was that guy.
• I’d pay money to see Michael Keaton as Beetle Juice run around in a Batman costume… but that’s just me.
• I think the movie was originally titled, “Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis Are Boring Ghosts So We Added Michael Keaton”
• Saying “Alec Guinness, Alec Guinness, Alec Guinness” didn’t summon anyone.  It also made me question why I chose Alec Guiness to summon in the first place.  Maybe I figured he wouldn’t be busy.
• Winona Ryder as creepy girl, ok.  Winona Ryder as actress, nope.
• I bet Tim Burton’s house looks like the set of Beetle Juice and he has Danny Elfman’s Greatest Hit on replay.
• They need to make a Beetle Juice 2 so that when I do my impression of Beetle Juice they don’t think I’m that dude from Slingblade.
• Dick Cavett and Robert Goulet in the same movie was spoken of in Revelations I think.

Popularity: unranked

I hate yard work.  I really don’t care what my yard looks like.  I like having one so the dogs can run around, but they don’t care if it’s grass or dirt.  My home owners association (aka Yard Nazis) seem to care so I cut the grass just enough not to get sued.

Cutting the grass is annoying.  To help pass the time, I pretend that my yard is a fancy major league ball park.  Cutting the grass at a stadium seems to have more of a purpose.  But then after I’m finished, no one comes to the stadium (yard) and that seems more of a bummer than just cutting the grass in the first place.

Now I know how the Washington Nationals feel.

Popularity: unranked