Category: Safety First

If a toxic hurricane happens to drop a pile of dead birds and fish at your feet, take a moment to think over whether or not it would be a good idea to eat them.

The Terrorism® may attempt to place insurgent arrows into buildings to create confusion or lure you into a scary basement. The Evil Arrow may team up with an Evil Exit Sign in an attempt to trap you in a well. Evil Arrows are usually much longer and skinnier than fat, patriotic, American arrows.

Pink Eye and Leprosy are both extremely contagious. They are so contagious that they can be spread via social networking web sites. Immediately de-friend anyone on Facebook who appears to have any of the following symptoms: one or more pink, drippy eyes; large, gross patches of blotchy skin; plays Mafia Wars, Farmville, or the one where you build a restaurant.

If you wisely rescued the arrow last week, it will help guide you away from a tricky pop quiz, spray paint vandals, and ugly stained glass windows. If you didn't help the arrow... well... enjoy your new paint job, stupid.

In the event of a biological attack, swallow and inhale as many Jelly Bellies as you can. You can go to their web site for clever recipes and ideas on how to mix their flavors to make new ones like Buttered Popcorn, Strawberry Daquiri, and Hair.

If you are on a road trip and encounter the Terrorism®, do not stop in Missouri. Their towns are intentionally named poorly to confuse tourists from Nebraska and Iowa.

Stores like "The Gap" and "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" are breeding grounds for fundamentalist groups. Beware of dangerous people who attempt to convert you to their cult by discussing the merits of triple ply toilet paper.