Category: Safety First

When confronted by The Terrorism ™ , remember to stop, drop, and cry like a baby.

If trapped in a tight spot, your air may be limited. Don't ruin your last moments by farting.

If you find yourself staying at that hotel from "The Shining", for god's sake stay away from the elevators that bleed!

Use this handy chart to determine the appropriate distance to be from someone's house after they eat at Taco Bell.

Staring at the wall will not cause your neighbor to turn down their angry hip hop music. Immediately call the police. If you tell them that your neighbors have a nuclear weapon, they will take you more seriously. You might also get lucky and thwart a terrorist.

Don't choke yourself. Seriously. Knock it off.

In the event of a major disaster, don't forget to loot corpses you encounter for gold, upgrades, or quest items. If someone tries to stop you, tell them you're a doctor or an EMT. Point to your "E.R." lunch box as proof.

Real Americans only eat beef. Fish and poultry are for wimps, Communists, and boy bands.