Category: People Am Dumb

Stupid people do stupid things stupidly.

I don’t really sleep.

I’ve always been a night owl type, but of late I just don’t sleep anymore.  Unless I have a meeting to be involved with in the morning… in which case I’ll fall asleep exactly 2 hours prior.

Not sleeping over the years has afforded me the rare opportunity to spend more than my fair share of time shopping in 24 hour establishments.  Doing so used to be restricted to 7-11 and Wal-Mart, but these days there are more and more places to do commerce at 3.00AM.  Recently, I found myself at a 24 hour Giant grocery store.  (For those of you not from this area, Giant is a name brand for the store, not an adjective to describe a store I visited via a beanstalk.)

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An interesting bit of spam:

“Nice brief and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Say thank you you as your information.”

Firstly, if something on this site helped you with a college assignment, you should get your money back from your college because they’re wasting your time.  Maybe if you’re at one of those fun liberal, no grade schools taking a class called PAGE 301: Using the Internet for No Productive Reason at All… maybe.  Regardless… take English 101 again.  And again.

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I get odd spam.  I really do.  People are always trying to post stuff on my site so people will buy all sorts of things from them.  Flowers, drugs, mortgages, more drugs.  I don’t get it.  Do people really think buying a mortgage from the same place that sells vicodin is a good idea?  I don’t.

Today I got spam from beyond the grave.  It was bizarre.  It started out, “Hello Vampires”.

Um… what?

Seriously.  It was spam for vampires.

But that got me thinking… maybe that’s why spam is so hard to stop.  It’s coming from the undead.  Maybe the same goes for telemarketing.  We don’t need Do Not Call lists, we need garlic, crosses, and holy water.

We take spammers to court and fine them when in fact we should be driving stakes through their hearts.

Vampires are spammers, Zombies are telemarketers, and Mummies are Egyptian.  It all makes sense now.  Someone should call the FTC (because I can’t be bothered) and tell them to hire Van Helsing to regulate these guys before they overthrow the world.  Maybe even hire that Brendan Frasier guy too.  I’m pretty sure he’s not busy.

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I’ve spent the vast majority of my life stuck in traffic.  I-66 in Northern Virginia is a soul sucking wasteland that makes “The Road Warrior” look like a day at Disney World.  Most of the time on that road is spent fretting about my tardiness or coming up with new, creative ways to curse the people obstructing traffic.  Every now and then though, I see something that almost (almost) makes getting stuck in traffic worth while.  Today I saw the most outlandish thing I’ve ever seen.  Keep in mind, I’ve seen some pretty bizarre stuff out there.  I’ve seen the Oscar Mayer hot dog bus.  I’ve seen a truck made of giant Hershey’s kisses.  One time I even saw a truck towing a massive Eddie Murphy head down the street.  (Seriously, it was like a two story replica of Eddie Murphy’s head.  I found out later that you could even crawl around in it.)  I’ve seen a car v. car water gun fight (no, I wasn’t involved).  I’ve seen a band tour bus throw a cooler out the window.  None of that prepared me for what I saw this morning.

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I thought this would be common sense, but as soon as I hear myself utter the term “common sense” I instantly realize that common really means moron.  I’m not an elitist.  I don’t think I’m better than everyone else.  I do think I’m better than some people.  Go to www.peopleofwalmart.com and you’ll know what I mean.  My goal in life… well it’s more of a mantra than a goal (what’s a mantra?  I don’t know, what’s a mantra with you!)… is to not negatively impact anyone else, to not get in the way of their ability to do whatever they want.  I expect the same in return.

So here’s the big guffuffel;  Do Not Poot in the Elevator.

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Offices may be the single most dysfunctional organizational idea ever.  They make people stupid.   Take 12 very smart people, 3 semi-smart people, and 0ne moron, put them all in an office and by Friday you’ve got 16 people all operating in “moron mode”.  The smart people know they’re operating at a substandard level and they become bitter and jaded.  The semi-smart people know something’s amiss but can’t quite put their fingers on it… usually because they’re distracted by the greatness that is “Hawaiian Shirt Friday”.  The moron thinks everything is awesome.

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So after posting that bit about tulips, there have been no less than 100 attempts to attach various links and bits of garbage related to online flower sales and mother’s day gift sites in the comments area. That’s more than a month’s worth of sneaky Russian spam. I must say, though, that flower spammers are just not as entertaining as the Russians.

I had no idea flower spam was so prevalent. 

In honor of the upcoming holiday and whatnot (more just whatnot really), here’s my ode to spammers:

Roses are Red.
Violets are Blue.
Spam is stupid.
And so’s your mom.

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I’m a big fan of the late Mitch Hedberg.  I was fortunate enough to see him perform live several times before he passed away.  For those who don’t know who he is… or was… he is/was a comedian with easily one of the most unique deliveries I’ve ever seen.  He was also one of those rare comedians that could even make horribly bad jokes still turn out funny.

Here he is.

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