Category: Monty Said What?

Sometimes Monty says things that are noteworthy. Most of the time he doesn’t. Here are the exceptions.

If you’re a guy at work who finds himself at a urinal with a couple of strangers in the stalls, try singing this little ditty to entertain yourself:

Hello there Mr. Sprinkle.
How are you today?
It’s time for you to tinkle.
Don’t make a messy spray.

Don’t pee on the floor here.
There’s no real need to rush.
Smells from stalls cause fear.
But don’t forget to flush.

It’s usually best to be the first one out of the bathroom right after singing it.  Also, try to do it when VIPs are in there.

Popularity: 20%

On someone not responding to a Facebook “Friend Request”:

“Maybe you should send her a “Facebook Demand”"

On my not using the “Poke Someone” feature on Facebook:

“I’m still waiting for the “Smack the Crap Out of Someone feature.”

Popularity: 27%

I’m a huge fan of the Bravo TV show “Top Chef”.  This season they’re doing “Top Chef All Stars” which features chefs from previous seasons who didn’t win the big prize but came close.  One of the chefs on the show is an Italian transplant by the name of Fabio Viviani.  In addition to being known for his culinary skills, he’s also known for his entertaining butchery of the English language and generally saying exactly what’s on his mind at any given time.  In addition, he’s a generally nice guy with a big heart and loves what he does. 

It shows.

Why do you care?

Well…

Fabio’s web site ran a contest over the past few weeks.  It was pretty simple.  Find a picture of Fabio on the internet and find a quotation of his… mix them together… the funniest one wins.  Simple.  With Fabio’s wealth of extremely funny sound bites ranging from discussing “bunky beds” and suicide by ice cream sandwich, it wasn’t hard to find something funny.

I took the following quotation, “It’s not cooking, it’s rushing… If they’re gonna give me monkey ass filled with fried banana, I’ll come up with something anyway. It’s not a problem.”, shortened it, and dropped it into a picture of Fabio presenting his team’s dishes during the very formal, very serious Restaurant Wars to the judges (including food miser Anthony Bourdain). 

Here’s my submission.

Italian Cooking Has Never Been the Same

I found out last night that my submission came in 4th place.  That’s pretty awesome considering the volume of competition.  Anyway, Fabio is going to send me an autographed picture as my prize.

This might be a new strategy for me.  Instead of waiting for people to come to the blog to be entertained… I’ll go to theirs.  It might work.

You can view all 10 of the winners here.

Popularity: 29%

If it weren’t for these people, I’d not be around.
Their care, their concern, their joy does abound.
Gifts were often funny, but always given with care.
On holidays past, I’d been given mousse for my hair.
This riddle is cheating, the solution is near.
The answer is my family, who I hold very dear.

A special Merry Christmas to my biggest fans and family, Judy (my mom), my dad who doesn’t have a username here, Franci (my aunt), and Spammer, Awesome, Adjective-laden Sister (my sister).  Thank you for being the best family I’ve ever had.

Popularity: 38%

Whether you’re having a Christmas feast, a Chanukah light show, a Kwanzaa spectacular, a Flying Spaghetti Monster open bar, a blister winter solstice, or a free paid vacation day from the man… I hope you have an enjoyable one.  From all of me, to all of you, have a good one.  And when you’re staring across the room wondering why the crazy relatives won’t leave or what you’re going to do with another battery powered shoe, just think to yourself… it could be worse.  There are many people in this world less fortunate than you. 

Here are three of them.  The kid, the Santa, and whatever person decided to pay for this picture. 

What's that kid doing up there anyway? I mean... why? How? What's going on here?

 Housekeeping Note:  No users submitted any riddles or ideas for the Christmas Riddle Contest so there is no riddle to be posted on Christmas Eve.  Posts for the rest of the year will be sporadic due to travel, but I’ll probably put random things up here or there.

Happy Holidays to all my readers.

Popularity: 23%

“Someone should invent a butt breath mint.”

Popularity: 23%

Southwest Airline’s Carry-On Items Rules allow for people to have a parachute as carry-on or checked bag.  But you’re not allowed to wear the parachute while on the plane.  What are they going to do if do put it on, throw you out of the plane?

Also, you’re not allowed to take human remains as a carry-on unless they’re cremated and in a bag, but you can bring on board up to 5lbs of dry ice.

Here’s what happens if you put dry ice in a bottle with water and cap it.

I think I’ll keep my parachute on, thank you.

Popularity: 11%

“Mr. Whipple was a closet politician… forbidding and condemning people for doing what he was doing when no one was looking.”

Popularity: unranked