For you goody goody types, here’s the Rebel version:

I don’t even know what that means… “from scratch”.  Does it mean I’m starting by relieving an itch?  Does it mean the devil’s involved?  I don’t know.  English is a stupid language.

So today marks the release of Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland”.  I really, really want to like this movie.  I do, I do, I do.  The Alice mythology is very interesting to me and I’d love for it to reach the screen in a format sans Disneyfication.  Big fail there.  Disney is producing this film too.  But it’s Tim Burton and if there’s a director out there that can do insane absurdity, it’s him.  I’d still like to have seen Terry Gilliam’s version, but the Disney execs probably don’t want the occupants of Wonderland killed off by a plague, Alice lobotomized, or the Queen of Hearts being chased through time by midgets.  When word came out months ago about the project, I was giddy.

The casting sounds great on paper.

Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter.  Sounds great… give Jack Sparrow a good washing up, a toothbrush and a change of clothes and you’ve got gold.

Alan Rickman as the Caterpillar.  I don’t know about you, but he’s the only reason I watch those stupid Harry Potter movies.  (and Gary Oldman)  Give me an actor’s voice that would sound better droning, ”Who… R… U?”  Ya can’t.

Helen Bonham Carter as the Red Queen.  She’s 50/50 for me, but since she’s Tim Burton’s squeeze, she was going to be in it somewhere.  Maybe if she was like Marla from Fight Club with a wand and a hat.  Could work.

Matt Lucas as the Tweedles (Dum and Dee respectively).  If you’ve not seen “Little Britain” you probably have no idea who he is, but he’s funny, round, and bald. 

Christopher Lee as the Jabberwocky.  Need a voice for something scary?  Call Christopher Lee.  He’s played Dracula, Sarumon, and the genetic engineer from Gremlins 2… need I say more.  I heard he also played some guy named Doo-Doo in a Star Wars movie but was killed by a muppet. 

So this all looks good on paper.

And then I see this.

Michael Jackson and Carrot Top had a baby.

You have got to be kidding me.  Did Johnny Depp lose a bet?  Is this movie now subtitled, “Michael Jackson and Carrot Top’s Love Child”?  C’mon man.  Isn’t it bad enough you two (Burton and Depp) ruined a generation’s vision of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? (Did no one else find it questionable that there was a creepy freak of a man who wanted kids to come stay at his home and he made his own candy to lure them?)  Depp, you are no Gene Wilder.  Before you label me a Depp/Burton hater, I’m not.  I liked “Big Fish” and the first of the “old” Batman movies.  I love the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and thought Depp quite skilled in “Blow” and “Platoon” (look hard… he’s there).  But this?  No way, Jose.  I don’t really know what I was looking for in the Mad Hatter character, but Depp’s Dreamsicle nightmare was not it.

Will I see the movie?  Probably.  I’ll have to figure out a way to block Depp though.  I’ve tried shielding my eyes during the trailers, but as soon as I hear Depp chirp in a twitty-little voice, “Alice, you’re back!” I can’t help but bark, “Depp, you’re a freak!”

I haven’t seen or heard anything of the other characters/actors so I don’t know what will come of them on screen.  The film has a dark, somber feel from what I’ve seen (which is a good thing).  Hopefully that’s not just to add contrast to Depp’s Project Runway reject of a custome.  (No, I don’t watch that show… go away!)

Maybe I’ll skip the movie and reread the books.  After all, Alice did say:

“Better read it first, for if one drinks much from a bottle marked “Poison”, it’s almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later.”

For six of the past eight years, Los Angeles has had a major terrorist attack in the show.  Assassination, nuclear bombs, bio weapons.  I think after 5 years of that, LA would have just moved.  For last season, they moved the target to Washington DC… which strangely looks just like LA with a digitally superimposed Washington Monument in each scene.  Apparently the producers think the Washington Monument is like the Mona Lisa’s eyes and it follows you like a puppy or something.  But it doesn’t matter where the bad guys are, Jack Bauer will go kill them and save the day… for most people.  Sometimes he’s late.  If you’re cast as an extra during the first 18 hours of the show… chances are you’re going to be a fatality.  You’re Jack’s motivation.  That’s why he’s so snarly.

If I were a terrorist, (hey, guess whose blog just made a watch list?) and I wanted to blow up TV Land… my first order of business would be to track down Jack Bauer and kill him.  Not torture or try to persuade, just kill him.  As long as he’s alive, only 2/3 of a terrorist’s plan can succeed.  Next… stop wasting time pretending to be a hacker.  The current season of 24 appears to have been written by Dell’s Tech Support department or something.  I don’t care how cool you think you look with a bluetooth headset dangling from your ear, opening up a “protocol” will not save the world.  In my bad guy world, we’d shun e-mail and avoid staring blankly into security cameras at key plot points.  CTU apparently can only get you if you send e-mail, stare into a camera, or Jack hits you.  Easy enough.

I’d also not bother embedding my bad guy henchmen into various government agencies, good guy’s families, or anywhere else they couldn’t walk around with a shirt that said, “I’m the Evil”.  It’s a waste of time.  I’d just call up the FBI and the White House and tell them that I had agents on my payroll and they’d never find them.  That’s enough to cause them to completely implode.

I’d also avoid using locations that look extreme.  In 24 world, everything is either in a swanky palace of a building or ghetto.  I’d build my evil base in the suburbs.  In a basement of a colonial.  I’d pretend it was the practice space for my band.

I’d also avoid foreign henchmen.  Chinese, Russian, and Columbian especially.  They’re always out to screw you over.  I’ll hire me some good, low ambition Canadians and disenfranchised Swedes.  We’d certainly have the advantage in a ski chase.

I would also try to find an evil version of Chloe.  She’s fun and probably would be even more so if she were evil.  I met the actress who plays her.  She was very nice.  So, I’d want the evil version for sure.  Then they could fight each other.  They probably wouldn’t actually fight though… they’d just make snarky comments at each other.  I’d still watch though.

Maybe I should just stick to watching House M.D. 

I wonder who’d win in a fight?  Jack Bauer or House?  Jack has that whole “kills people for fun and profit” thing.  House has vicodin.  Jack carries a gun.  House carries a cane.  Jack has bitter resentment.  House can exploit that.  House wins.