Month: June 2010

OK, so last week I said I was going to give out a prize to a reader.  That seemed like a good idea at the time, but I have no idea who the vast majority of people are who read this ( I pretend).  So I decided instead of just picking someone who I know or reads the site 12 times a day, I’d have a contest.  Here’s the contest… First person to correctly solve the riddle below and post the answer as a comment wins.  You can post comments, guesses, etc in the comment area as well.  If you want, you can even team up.  Multiple prizes are not out of the question since I’m making up the rules.  OK, here’s the riddle… also cheating will get you no where… ok… here it is:

In the Summer, I am of the Darkest Bloom,
In the Autumn, I smell of sweet Perfume.
In the Spring, I gather around the Room. 
In the Winter, I spell impending Doom.

Man’s Reach can’t catch me as Time passes By.
It takes more Than the wind to make me Fly.

Can you solve this riddle?

Popularity: unranked

The movie “Army of Darkness (Evil Dead 3)” taught me the following things about going back in time and undead things:

• Chainsaw arm/shotgun combo always wins in the middle ages.
• High school chemistry is important after all… you never know when you’ll need to make bombs.
• Sometimes details are important.  Sure, remembering 3 words seems like no big deal… but… well… oops.
• People from the middle ages don’t mind being called “primitive screwheads”, “primates”, or “spinach chin”
• Do not attempt to make an “Ash’s Death Mobile” using a go-kart and a lawn mower.  I won’t end well.
• Women in olden times were attracted to jerks too.
• I’d shop at S-Mart if I could find it.
• How many Ted Raimi’s does one movie need?
• How many Bruce Campbells does one movie need?  (The answer is 5.)
• A fake skeleton on a real horse running at speed is funny.
• Skeleton warriors are fans of the Three Stooges.
• Upon resurrection, the first thing a skeleton wants to do it practice dentistry and kidnap wenches.
• Don’t ever, ever try to kill a smaller version of yourself that you swallowed by drinking boiling water.
• Breaking a mirror is pretty bad luck after all.
• If faced with three books when you’re looking for one… just quit.  You’ve got a 66.66% chance of failure and face it… you’re in that situation because you’ve got crap luck.
• There is such a thing as a fat skeleton.
• You can’t be a hero without sarcasm.
• Being the Chosen One is pretty cool for about five minutes… then they put you to work.
• If you’re a jerk… and then you end up cloned as an evil version of yourself… that means you’ve got an evil jerk on the loose.  And apparently evil jerks are pretty hardy and difficult to put down once they get going.  [Insert favorite political comment here.]  They do still have they’re funny moments though.
• Being punched in the face by someone dancing around calling you “goodie little two shoes” is pretty irritating.
• Shooting someone in the face that had been dancing around calling you “goodie little two shoes” is pretty cathartic. 

Popularity: unranked

The movie “Beetle Juice” taught me the following things about ghosts and the afterlife:

• Make sure your method of death leaves your body in a condition which you’d be happy spending eternity.  Here are examples of ways not to die:
  • Being turned to stone by Medusa
  • Being turned to salt by old testament god
  • Being sat on by a fat person
  • Exploding
  • Eaten by cannibals
  • In France
  • Excessive groin damage (all groin damage is excessive)
  • Eaten by French cannibals who use too much salt
• When you die, you can pull you face off for fun.
• Trailer park ghosts are really fun at parties.
• When you die you have to live in your house and wear the same clothes everyday.  I pretty much do that now.
• That was pretty creepy when that old lady made cigarette smoke come out of her neck, wasn’t it?
• Models are haunted.  The more elaborate, the more haunted.
• If you die and don’t like Calypso music, you’re hosed.
• I can understand the hatred of sandworms.  Unless you’re that guy from Dune.  Geena Davis thought she was that guy.
• I’d pay money to see Michael Keaton as Beetle Juice run around in a Batman costume… but that’s just me.
• I think the movie was originally titled, “Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis Are Boring Ghosts So We Added Michael Keaton”
• Saying “Alec Guinness, Alec Guinness, Alec Guinness” didn’t summon anyone.  It also made me question why I chose Alec Guiness to summon in the first place.  Maybe I figured he wouldn’t be busy.
• Winona Ryder as creepy girl, ok.  Winona Ryder as actress, nope.
• I bet Tim Burton’s house looks like the set of Beetle Juice and he has Danny Elfman’s Greatest Hit on replay.
• They need to make a Beetle Juice 2 so that when I do my impression of Beetle Juice they don’t think I’m that dude from Slingblade.
• Dick Cavett and Robert Goulet in the same movie was spoken of in Revelations I think.

Popularity: unranked

I get odd spam.  I really do.  People are always trying to post stuff on my site so people will buy all sorts of things from them.  Flowers, drugs, mortgages, more drugs.  I don’t get it.  Do people really think buying a mortgage from the same place that sells vicodin is a good idea?  I don’t.

Today I got spam from beyond the grave.  It was bizarre.  It started out, “Hello Vampires”.

Um… what?

Seriously.  It was spam for vampires.

But that got me thinking… maybe that’s why spam is so hard to stop.  It’s coming from the undead.  Maybe the same goes for telemarketing.  We don’t need Do Not Call lists, we need garlic, crosses, and holy water.

We take spammers to court and fine them when in fact we should be driving stakes through their hearts.

Vampires are spammers, Zombies are telemarketers, and Mummies are Egyptian.  It all makes sense now.  Someone should call the FTC (because I can’t be bothered) and tell them to hire Van Helsing to regulate these guys before they overthrow the world.  Maybe even hire that Brendan Frasier guy too.  I’m pretty sure he’s not busy.

Popularity: unranked