The movie “Conan the Barbarian” taught me the following things about interpersonal relationships and foreign policy:
- Steel is very important. It is more important than air, earth, the sun, or mastery of the language you speak.
- No amount of body painted camouflage will hide a 7’3, 300lb man with a 12 ft sword. Especially when he runs around going, “Arrrrrghhhhh!”
- If you can shoot a snake at someone with a bow and arrow… using the snake as the arrow… well that’s awesome… like “I was the voice of Darth Vader” awesome.
- If you drink too much, don’t eat soup. Pass out-suffocation risk!
- Giant snakes prefer their human sacrifices to be naked and attractive ladies. Ugly girls in heavy coats need not apply.
- Snake Cult people have a horrible diet consisting mainly of green pudding and body parts. Gross. They also appear to be perpetually stoned.
- James Earl Jones is a bully.
- Hey California, that’s your governor in the loin cloth, drunk, punching that horse… just fyi.
- Drawing complex crossword puzzles on people will bring them back from the dead. If you’re the main character. Everyone else gets hosed.
- Wigs looked fake even in Barbarian times.
- Having a cult has it’s benefits. Sure, the protagonist wants to kill you but if you tell someone to jump off a cliff they’ll do it, boy howdy. You also get all the free no-lye relaxer you want.
- If Max Von Sydow had played Ming the Merciless in this movie, it would have made no sense… but I’d have watched it.
- Crom is just Morc spelled backwards. Barbarians were secretly worshiping aliens who looked like Robin Williams.
- How come at the end of this movie Conan’s all old and has become king but at the beginning of the sequel he’s back to being a peon at 27 again? I guess “Conan the Senior Citizen” isn’t good film.
- If a Barbarian propositions you… no good will come of it.
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