Um… Yee-Haw, Yo.

by monty

I’ve spent the vast majority of my life stuck in traffic.  I-66 in Northern Virginia is a soul sucking wasteland that makes “The Road Warrior” look like a day at Disney World.  Most of the time on that road is spent fretting about my tardiness or coming up with new, creative ways to curse the people obstructing traffic.  Every now and then though, I see something that almost (almost) makes getting stuck in traffic worth while.  Today I saw the most outlandish thing I’ve ever seen.  Keep in mind, I’ve seen some pretty bizarre stuff out there.  I’ve seen the Oscar Mayer hot dog bus.  I’ve seen a truck made of giant Hershey’s kisses.  One time I even saw a truck towing a massive Eddie Murphy head down the street.  (Seriously, it was like a two story replica of Eddie Murphy’s head.  I found out later that you could even crawl around in it.)  I’ve seen a car v. car water gun fight (no, I wasn’t involved).  I’ve seen a band tour bus throw a cooler out the window.  None of that prepared me for what I saw this morning.

This is a Cadillac Escalade.  It’s very similar to the one I saw in my rear view mirror.

Big Car, Little Brain

 An Escalade in and of itself is moronic, but this one was especially so.  It was all tricked out with heavy chrome and shiny bits.  It had big fancy spinners where adults with real jobs just put hub caps.  It also had a set of cow horns fastened to the hood.  These were no ordinary cow horns either… these were those big Texas Longhorn cow horns where they stretch a good six or seven feet across.  This guy had mounted those (in chrome!) to the massive grill work he’d also put on the car.  Then I saw the hat.

Nice hat, yo.

The driver of the car (which I now dub “Ghetto Rodeo”) was wearing a big white cowboy hat.  Easily the biggest cowboy hat I’ve ever seen.  It almost looked like those big novelty hats.   It was huge.  The guy had his sunroof open and the top of the hat was poking out of it.  The brim of that hat (is that the right term?  rodeo aficionados help me out here) was so big that he’d knock his rear view mirror sideways.  I kept looking back thinking that this all had to be a joke, but I don’t think it was.  I seriously think some dude gave himself a redneck-gangsta make over and boy was it a mess.  He’d also decorated the rear and side panels of the car with what could best be described as “urban art”.  It might have been graffiti, I don’t know.   I didn’t dwell on it too long as the site of massive horns in my rear view mirror made me nervous so I changed lanes.

Of course that got me thinking… what if I had big crazy animal horns on the front of my car?  Would that help me cut through traffic more efficiently?  Hmmm.  I looked on e-bay and couldn’t find any really big horns.  I think you’d need big horns to pull it off.  They had some small cow horns, some antlers, and a turtle shell.  E-bay really should fix their search. 

Are there wild long horn cattle that I could go hunt?  Or, is the penalty for stealing a cow still hanging?

Maybe I could go to Africa and find a big wild animal and shoot it and mount it’s horns on my car.

I know… that seems like a dumb reason to shoot an animal.  I agree.  I wonder, though, if I chained a lion to the hood of my car if that’d get people moving.  Or a rhinoceros. I bet I wouldn’t have to worry about getting pulled over for a speeding ticket.  I’d imagine if a cop had the choice between pulling over the guy with a lion on his hood or just another speeder, he’d go after the non-lion person.  I would.

So anyway back to the hip-hop cowboy.

I’m guessing his CD player in that thing is a really mess.  Disc 1: Garth Brooks, Disc 2: Sir Mixalot, Disc 3: Dixie Chicks, Disc 4: Run DMC, Disc 5: The Best of Conway Twitty, Disc 6: Eminem  OK, in case you couldn’t tell by that listing, I have no interest or knowledge of country or rap music.

Traffic is stupid.

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