In the world of flowers, there is one flower that reigns supreme. That, of course, would be the rose. A rose is picturesque. A rose comes with thorns so it can be used as a weapon if needed. Roses had a featured role in Alice in Wonderland. Roses often go on sale on February 15th. This post will not be about roses. I could write about roses easily. No. This is going to be about tulips. Tulips… the red headed step children of the garden.
Tulips were invented in 1267 by a guy in Prague.
OK, that doesn’t even make sense. Flowers aren’t invented, they’re discovered I guess. OK, false start. Let’s begin again.
Tulips were discovered in 1672 by Dutch diplomat visiting the Middle East. Contrary to popular belief, the name “tulip” has nothing to do with lips, faces, or anything of the sort. It actually comes from the Turkish word for turban… that classic style of head gear that women around the world adopt immediately upon exiting the shower. Unbeknown (there’s a word I’ve never used before) to the Dutch diplomat, the tulip was considered a sacred flower. The Turks believed that in 0 BC/AD (when the calendar flipped) Jesus, Mohammad, and Keith Richards (he’s old) all sat down to have tea and discuss the partitioning of followers and royalties. Featured on the tea table was a single orchid. Richards kept referring to it as a “pretty, pretty tulip” and Jesus and Mohammad determined that it was easier to just nod and smile than try to correct him. Turkish lore eventually wrote out Richards from the story and as such the part about the flower being an orchid was also dropped. When the diplomat picked a few tulips to take home with him, the incident started a massive war. The Dutch Tulip War of Central Turkey waged on and on for hours before France surrendered.
The diplomat escaped to Amsterdam with his new flower. Upon arrival he saw a big, fat bird that reminded him of the Turkish sultan’s wife and he pointed at it and shouted, “Ha, Ha! You look like that chick from Turkey!” A passing historian only heard the “turkey” part and assumed that the diplomat was making a proclamation about the new name of the bird. That’s how turkeys got their names, although in many parts of central Europe it is still referred to by it’s original name, “Super Chicken”. Another little known fact- Rick James originally wrote the lyrics to “Super Freak” as “She’s a super chick. Super chick. She’s super chicken.” Rick James had a drug problem.
Unlike useful plants like the poppy (which produces helpful pain killers) and the mushroom (which produces bands like The Doors), the tulip doesn’t have any practical use whatsoever. It’s often found in big fields in Holland as a reminder of all the French soldiers who shot themselves to avoid fighting in the American Civil War.
In the United States, the tulip is often used as a wedding decoration or floral gift when the grocery store is out of roses or roses would be too expensive for the occassion.
In the early 1970′s, the University of Detroit started a program to develop a carnivorous plant for use in the Vietnam War. Initial test programs using a tulip were mildly successful, but the program was canceled after the leading scientist was eaten by a lion in a freak circus accident. One of the test plants escaped from the lab and went on to write a Broadway musical about plants that eat people. It eventually became a movie, but the movie was simply terrible. The scenes with Steve Martin and Bill Murray were funny, but the rest of the movie was lame.
Movies about tulips are lame.
The End.
Yes, this was a strange post… but remember, you asked for it.
Now I’m off to submit this to wikipedia.
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nice post.