I’m a big fan of the late Mitch Hedberg. I was fortunate enough to see him perform live several times before he passed away. For those who don’t know who he is… or was… he is/was a comedian with easily one of the most unique deliveries I’ve ever seen. He was also one of those rare comedians that could even make horribly bad jokes still turn out funny.
Here he is.
A joke he has (and sadly I couldn’t find online) goes something like this:
“I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that’s the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You’re like, “man! I wish I wouldn’t have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!”
That makes sense to me. Car horns are loud and annoying. Considering that I spend most of my waking life stuck in traffic or wandering around in crowded cities, I’ve I think I’ve heard more than my share of vehicular blaring and we really should consider cutting it down just a bit. Why do people even feel the urge to toot their own horn?
People honk at you to move.
People honk at you to stop.
People honk at you because they like you.
People honk at you because they don’t like you.
People honk at you because they know you.
People honk at you because they’d like to know you.
People honk because they think it might help their legal defense after they run you over.
In New York, people honk when they change radio stations, sit at a stoplight, sneeze, see anyone wearing any sports team gear, and on days ending with “y”.
In Washington DC, people honk to support candidates but more often honk at opposing political bumperstickers.
In Las Vegas, people honk after they’ve hit you. It’s like a parting insult. “Ha, ha! I ran you over! Ps.” *Beep, beep*
American car horns sound as if they’re trying to fulfill a manifest destiny. “Gar! I’m a Ford! Move it or I’ll put you on a reservation.”
German car horns sounds wimpy. I’ve heard people with gas that sounded more intimidating. I’m guessing it was probably part of the post-World War II treaty to be that way. Right after the line about no more Nazis, no more swastikas and no more calling the French “le jerks” it said “also, you have to have wimpy car horns”.
Japanese car horns sound like American car horns, just with a better service record and resale value.
South American cars don’t have horns. Or engines. Or cars. Actually, it comes down to a kid sitting on a bucket with a Frisbee re-acting “Taxi Driver”.
You’re supposed to use a car horn to warn someone of approaching danger… but if that danger is going to be a frontal impact for you and your hand is on the horn when the airbag goes off… well… just hope someone in the back seat has a baseball glove to catch your hand as it flies by.
I like it when a line of cars start blowing their horns at each other. No one seems to even know why it started. It’s like a yawn. One person starts and then everyone else does it too. It’s like the Domino Theory of car horns. One Honda falls prey to the international Communist plot and soon another and another and before you know it you’ve got 47 communists blowing their horns for the revolution. The revolution apparently lasts the exact same amount of time as it does for the lights to complete their cycle.
I think people should be allowed 5 free honks on the horn and then have to pay $1 for each additional one. There was a guy behind me today that would have paid off the national debt if that were the case. Sure, I was asleep at the wheel and headed for an intersection… but really… if the first 50 honks didn’t motivate me to put down my blanket, roll back over and start driving again, why would 150? And yes I understand that the national debt is larger than $145. Hyperbole. Get used to it.
Hyperbole is a dumb word.
Yes, I will post more frequently in the coming weeks/days. No, I won’t learn proper English grammar. Yes, I know that I’m talking to myself. No, um. No means no.
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Keep up the good work, I like your writing.