Jack Bauer Must Die

by monty

I like the show 24.  I do.  I like Kiefer Sutherland.  I’ve enjoyed the past seven years of watching him run around shouting things like “There isn’t time!” and “How come all you guys gots machine guns and I’ve just gots this pistol!”.   It’s a fun show.   But I think it’s time to kill off Jack Bauer.

For six of the past eight years, Los Angeles has had a major terrorist attack in the show.  Assassination, nuclear bombs, bio weapons.  I think after 5 years of that, LA would have just moved.  For last season, they moved the target to Washington DC… which strangely looks just like LA with a digitally superimposed Washington Monument in each scene.  Apparently the producers think the Washington Monument is like the Mona Lisa’s eyes and it follows you like a puppy or something.  But it doesn’t matter where the bad guys are, Jack Bauer will go kill them and save the day… for most people.  Sometimes he’s late.  If you’re cast as an extra during the first 18 hours of the show… chances are you’re going to be a fatality.  You’re Jack’s motivation.  That’s why he’s so snarly.

If I were a terrorist, (hey, guess whose blog just made a watch list?) and I wanted to blow up TV Land… my first order of business would be to track down Jack Bauer and kill him.  Not torture or try to persuade, just kill him.  As long as he’s alive, only 2/3 of a terrorist’s plan can succeed.  Next… stop wasting time pretending to be a hacker.  The current season of 24 appears to have been written by Dell’s Tech Support department or something.  I don’t care how cool you think you look with a bluetooth headset dangling from your ear, opening up a “protocol” will not save the world.  In my bad guy world, we’d shun e-mail and avoid staring blankly into security cameras at key plot points.  CTU apparently can only get you if you send e-mail, stare into a camera, or Jack hits you.  Easy enough.

I’d also not bother embedding my bad guy henchmen into various government agencies, good guy’s families, or anywhere else they couldn’t walk around with a shirt that said, “I’m the Evil”.  It’s a waste of time.  I’d just call up the FBI and the White House and tell them that I had agents on my payroll and they’d never find them.  That’s enough to cause them to completely implode.

I’d also avoid using locations that look extreme.  In 24 world, everything is either in a swanky palace of a building or ghetto.  I’d build my evil base in the suburbs.  In a basement of a colonial.  I’d pretend it was the practice space for my band.

I’d also avoid foreign henchmen.  Chinese, Russian, and Columbian especially.  They’re always out to screw you over.  I’ll hire me some good, low ambition Canadians and disenfranchised Swedes.  We’d certainly have the advantage in a ski chase.

I would also try to find an evil version of Chloe.  She’s fun and probably would be even more so if she were evil.  I met the actress who plays her.  She was very nice.  So, I’d want the evil version for sure.  Then they could fight each other.  They probably wouldn’t actually fight though… they’d just make snarky comments at each other.  I’d still watch though.

Maybe I should just stick to watching House M.D. 

I wonder who’d win in a fight?  Jack Bauer or House?  Jack has that whole “kills people for fun and profit” thing.  House has vicodin.  Jack carries a gun.  House carries a cane.  Jack has bitter resentment.  House can exploit that.  House wins.

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