Online people are freaks. They are. They’ve shunned the daylight and physical connection in favor of the warm glow of a monitor and instant access to millions of other equally depraved individuals. Yes, I know… that’s me. At the moment, it’s you too. So there. Smarty. Anyway… online gamers are the freakiest of freaks and first person shooter gamer people are like freaks beyond the human ability to even grasp the concept of said freakitude. And they are so, so funny to mess with.
I enjoy video games. I tend to enjoy strategic or thought provoking games like SimCity, Civilization, and Leisure Suit Larry 5. Every now and then I hop on the ol’ PS3 and play me some shoot ‘em up bang bang games. For me the real joy in such a game isn’t getting the most kills, the biggest weapons, the most dramatic way to make a head fly off… no… for me it’s all about messing with the heads of the other players in the game. It’s the best stress reliever ever.
I’m currently playing a game called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. It’s probably the most popular of its genre right now. I usually log in for a multiplayer game which means that for the next hour or so, me and a dozen other people will be connected online in this game with the purpose of killing each other. Well, they are… I’m there to mess with them. I’ve also got a wireless headset so I can talk to my new friends. Boy do they love that.
Most of the guys (and it’s a pretty testosterone filled world there) have handles like “BIGKILL45″ or “DEATH_DROPPER” or “I_TAKE-(THIS)WAY2-SERIOUSLY!!!”. They pride themselves on their otherwise completely useless skill of mashing a button. My handle is “8yr_old_girl”. It always makes me giggle to watch the status messages go by saying things like “BILLY_NUKE_PANTS” was killed by “8yr_old_girl”. That in and of itself is almost worth the price of admission. Sony has a voice modulator (I have yet to see a legitimate use for it, but who cares) that allows me to pitch up my voice a few octaves so I sound like a kid.
I don’t do much damage in the game. I’m actually fairly good at it, but usually I just hide in a closet somewhere on the map. I’ll sit there the whole time and wait until the highest ranking bad guy wanders by or the guy who has been talking the most trash and then I jump out and kill them with a pointed stick. In gamer terms it’s called “camping” and it often makes some players angry… especially the one who just got knifed by an 8yr_old_girl giggling “tickle, tickle!”. Without fail, that little number starts the chatting in the game lobby between battles.
“Hey “8yr_old_girl”, are you really an 8 year old girl? Because you suck!”
“Hey “[Waffen SS]-CODWM2G0D!”, are you really a cod looking for a White Male to Go on Date? Because you also suck! And you got tickled to death.”
“I’m not a cod!”
“Don’t be ashamed of who you are, fish boy. Be proud. Swim upstream. Make spawn. Interspecies spawn apparently.”
“Shut up! You’re not a girl, are you?”
“Sure I am. But I’m really 28. Wanna hook up?”
“Really?”
“Ew gross, no you freaking pedophile!”
At that point either the other players are laughing too hard to continue or the next battle starts.
The other night I ran afoul of an entire guild of people with too much spare time who were boasting about how many times they’d beaten the game that week. I got bored with their conversation and turned on my CD player and loaded up a wonderful mix of tunes I’d made. I took off my headset and hung it over the speaker so the mic would broadcast my music instead of my voice. For the next 60 minutes, Call of Duty’s battles were soundtracked by REO Speedwagon, Yanni, Kenny G, Steve Winwood, and a compilation of what I call “Hot Latin Tracks”.
“TEAM DEATHMATCH – BEGIN!”
“And I can’t fight this feeling anymore
“He’s over here, he’s over here! Cover the flag!”
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for
“We’re being dominated! Take those positions! *BOOM*
It’s time to bring this ship into the shore
“Sniper! Sniper in the cave! Someone hit ‘em with a flashbang!”
And throw away the oars, forever
“For the love of god, 8yr_old_girl turn it off!”
‘Cause I can’t fight this feeling anymore”
-DARK_DANNY has left the game
-[NIL]BootyMaster has left the game
-[NIL]MCHammerstein has left the game
-[SS]Dick_Cheney has joined the game
[SS]Dick_Cheney: “Is this music a new feature?”
Boy oh boy do I laugh.
Tickle, Tickle!
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OMG! Awesome! I shouldn’t read this at work. People were looking at me like I had an affliction!!!
I so wish you were playing on XBox with Justin, Mike, myself, and the rest of the crew. Unfortunately, this game has a strong hold on me. It has caused me a bunch of cancer inducing rage filled moments. Then I think “Hey wait this is a video game”. I’ve had to take a step back and start actually enjoying myself again. My goal is to see how many people I can get to call me “faggot”. It’s quite an easy goal to achieve.
ROTFLMFAO!!!! This blog is HILARIOUS!!! Thank you. I play COD 4v2 on the PS3 and you have hit the nail on the head!
I wish they’d make PS3 and Xbox networks play in the same sandbox. That’d be awesome. I can only imagine the mental damage we’d cause if we joined forces.
Thanks very much and welcome!