Helpful People Are Raising Unemployment (and therefore support Terrorists®)

by monty

These are tough economical times we live in.  In which we live.  The times in which we live are tough.  Economically.  Economically speaking, the times in which we live are tough.  Now I’ve gone and forgotten what the point of this post was.

Oh yeah!

To all those Holly Helpfuls out there in the world, please stop being helpful.  To all the people that pull in a grocery cart from the parking lot inside with them, to all the people that pre-stack their table’s dishes in a restaurant after finishing a meal, to all the people clean up their own (or kid’s) spills in the food court of MegaMallTown USA… all of you… knock it off.  It is somebody else’s job to do that.  Grocery stores pay people to bring the carts inside.  Restaurants pay people to bus tables.  MegaMallTown USA pays someone to mop the floor when the Super-Gulp-a-Tron 128oz diabetes inducing soda goes asunder.  Those people’s livelihood depend on their ability to clean up after sloppy people.  If you start being helpful and clean up after yourself stores will fire the service folks whose jobs are now obsolete due to conscientious commercialism (let that one simmer for a second).  These people, now jobless, will have to move to welfare to support themselves.  Or perhaps they’ll become drug dealers.  Or pimps.  All because you thought it’d be helpful to bag your own groceries.  All that helpfulness costs Americans jobs.  And that’s just what the Terrorism® wants.

It’s time we stood up to Terrorism® and unemployment. We cannot wait for Washington to solve this problem, the work begins with each of us at home. Here are a few ideas about how you can help provide job security for hard working Americans.

• Buy an American made car then return said vehicle within 3 days.  Not only have you kept autoworkers busy but you’ve created hours of paperwork for dealership people and also the car washers who’ll have to re-detail the car.
• Become a Put-Pocket.  Go into places that censor/ban music and videos like Blockbuster and Wal-Mart and leave copies of various “banned” CDs and DVDs.  The staff will have to work overtime to sort out the offending material.  The bonus is that you might also get Wal-Mart to accidentally sell something it’d rather ban.
• Let your kids run diaperless through the mall.  Instant job security for the mop brigade.
• Throw part of your restaurant meal at the wall or ceiling.  This is a win on many levels.  Aside from being a great method of portion control, it also keeps the cleaning crew busy.  If you shout, “This is the worst Molten Chocolate Cake I ever eaten!” as you throw it you might not have to pay for it.
• File a law suit against a lawyer for being overly litigious.  The judicial system is bored and looking for work.
• This is for those people who put their kids on leashes.  Pretend you have a disability and that your kid is really a service animal and then demand entrance into a strip club.  If they let you in, you can sue them for child endangerment and if they don’t you can sue them for discrimination.  This works best if you have a very hairy child.
• Knock over a grocery store display.  That’s a no brainer.
• Speaking of grocery stores, here’s one that requires a small team.  Get three or four of your friends and then go jam up the self-checkout lanes at your local grocery store.  This forces everyone else to use a manned lane and keeps that checker’s job safe.

It’s not too hard to come up with these on your own.  The goal is to make sure people have plenty to do at their jobs.  Otherwise they might get fired or spend all their time writing blogs about nonsense and… er… nevermind.

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