Oh Say Can You See, The Stink Comes From Thee

by monty

How surprising is it that for my first submission to a new web site, I’ve returned to an old favorite of mine for writing?  Probably not very.  Today as I was riding in the elevator, on my 110 foot vertical journey to work land, I had the unpleasant fortune to share the bulk of the trip with a stinky person.

There are two types of stinky people in this world, the naturally stinky (like hippies and the French) and the enhanced stinky (think old ladies drowned in $1.95 perfume that smells of burnt rubber, menthol, and dentist office).  It’s possible that there are naturally stinky people walking among us.  They often use clever ploys such as bathing and hygeine products to fit in with the normals of the world.  It’s quite possible, however, to completely overshoot “normal” and chemically romance your way straight into the enhanced stinky category.  Sadly, there is a sub class of naturally stinky… the super-duper stinky, which cannot ever hope to rid themselves of their offending odor.  Often they attempt to hide behind a toxic veil of Aqua Velva, Old Spice, and gasoline… but to no avail.  They form the hybrid Super-Duper Naturally and Chemically Worsened Stinky classification.  It’s a horrible, horrible thing to witness in the wild.

It was with this ultra diabolical super class of stinky that I was forced to share an elevator with.  The lady who joined me in my box on a rope was in the winter years of her life… like coldest winter on record, horrible blizzards and a christmas even Rudolph couldn’t save winter.  She was of some flavor of middle eastern transplant and smelled like she ate 40 lbs of garlic mashed into some kimchee before falling through the perfume display case at Wal-Mart.

As soon as the doors closed I immediately felt like I was in a room where a Halon system had gone off… where all the oxygen is immediately sucked out of the room to put out a fire… or in this case, blow out my sinuses.  By the time she got off the elevator I was dizzy and my facial hair was seared.  What is wrong with people?

Now my complaining about other people’s BO is not new.  The last time I complained about a gentleman from Kerplackistan’s BO I received angry notes talking about things like “racism”, “cultural awareness” and “bad grammar”.  Firstly, I’m not a racist.  Really.  I tend to think the white lady working the perfume section at Needless Markups is the worst smelling individual on earth.  I don’t like you because of who you are, not the color of your skin. 

Cultural awareness is a funny thing.  Who should be aware of whose culture?  I’ve heard tell that many other countries and cultures in the world don’t put as much emphasis on good hygenie as the United Statesians do.  I don’t subscribe to nationalism at all, but shame on those other stinky countries.  It’s a shame that Bush invested so much into the Shock & Awe program and didn’t create a Shock & Speed Stik program.  How about a 40mm grenade that seeks out unwashed armpits and erupts in a foamy Irish Spring explosion on impact?  Should I be more tolerant of people with differences?  The PC police say yes.  I say get in an elevator with Queen LaStinkfah and you’d rethink your opinion.  United Statesians bathe.  Some folks really need to do that more.  But visitors should really take advantage of those free soaps and shampoos in the hotel rooms. 

I have often been accused of having being prejudiced when I call a stinky person stinky.  I don’t get it.  Stinky = stinky.  I imagine when my ancestor Chief Monty Big Boote (Big Boo-tay!) met up with the first whitie from Europe, he probably said ”PU”!  (What does PU mean or stand for anyway?)

Was he racist?  No… he had a nice Thanksgiving with pilgrims despite their smell and was later lied to and all of his people slaughtered. 

The moral of the story?  Don’t trust smelly people.  They’ll be smelly, make up holidays, and overthrow you.

Welcome to the site folks.

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